


Winter Blues

by tyjo22518



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M, Trigger Warning for depression, Trigger warning for anxiety, trigger warning for self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 10:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15046880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyjo22518/pseuds/tyjo22518
Summary: Tyler always felt a certain way once winter came around. He calls it “feeling gone.” He doesn’t leave his house for months. But maybe the mysterious new neighbor will be able to fix him.





	1. Beginning Sweetness

Tyler always felt like he wasn’t worth anything. It was like he would be on a clearance life forever. Deep in the depths of winter, is when his thoughts are most active. 

Demobilizing home during the months of December through March. This makes going to school impossible. Some call it seasonal depression. He calls it being gone. 

He struggles daily with leaving his bed, even to go to the bathroom. Once he’s done with the bathroom, he always makes a lap around the house. Almost to say “i made it.” The school system has adapted to his behavior in the winter months. His assignments are sent home daily and returned in the morning by his mom, on her way to work. 

His siblings never know why he got this way, especially around Christmas. He didn’t know either. The second he opens his eyes, waves of terror always fill him. Drowning him to a point where his breathes feel stretched. 

Today is December 15th, only three days away from Christmas break. Today happens to be Tyler’s last day for the semester. He’s starting to feel the winter blues. He wakes up at 7:30 AM, an hour before school starts. He throws on a black hoodie, black skinny jeans, and black boots. He brushes his teeth and attempts to fix his hair, but no use. It’s always been a mess. 

He walks down the stairs, each step slower than the last. The smell from the kitchen fills the house with the sweet scent of maple syrup. Kelly always made waffles the week of Christmas break and finals. Jay, Zack and Madison are all at the table and Kelly sits down and smiles when she sees tyler. 

“Good morning Ty! Breakfast is on the table.” she pours herself a glass of orange juice, and fixes the collar on her baby blue shirt. 

“Morning.” is all Tyler is able to say. His throat feels like he’s swallowing a dry pill. His heart feels like a bass stereo, and the sound swallows in his ears. 

He sits down at the table, and closes his eyes while Kelly says the prayer. They begin to eat breakfast and the settling eyes all look at him. Like he has five heads.

“What?” Tyler puts his fork down and looks at everyone. 

Zack looks up from his phone and speaks up. “We know you aren’t feeling the best this time of year. We don’t want you to feel, the way you do. We don’t want to add onto what’s going on in your head.” 

Tyler sits back and feels a weight of a thousand earths on his chest. His eyes fill with the salty tears that begin the winter blues. He wipes a tear that falls to his cheek and goes back to his breakfast. “sorry.” he says as he finishes and puts his plate in the sink. 

Everyone finishes and it’s off to school. Jay and Madison are dropped off at the elementary school. Zack is dropped off at middle school, and Tyler the high school. His mom parks in the student parking lot allowing her to talk to Tyler for a few minutes before he goes in. 

“Ty, I want to let you know i’m proud of you.” She rubs his leg and folds her hands in her lap. 

“Why?” 

“Because, even though you go through this every year, you still manage to pull yourself together.” 

“Thanks. I guess?” 

She reaches in the backseat and pulls out a box. It’s tiny, but it’s wrapped in this white and gold wrapping paper. 

“I was going to save this, for christmas. But today seems like a good day to give it to you.” 

She hands him the box and he holds it close to him. He moves his hands to the slits in the paper and begins to open it. Removing the lid of the box, he pulls out a notebook. Not just a notebook. It’s a black moleskin journal. He opens up the front and finds a note inside. 

“May the thoughts you have find a new place to live” 

His tears begin to overtake his eyes as he closes the journal and puts it in his backpack. 

“Thank you. Thank you.” He hugs his mom across the seat and smiles. His eyes glow through the cloudy day and he gets out to head to class. He only has a couple of classes today. “I’ll see you at 10 right?” 

“Yes sweetie. I’ll be here. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

He walks into school and heads to his first period. The kids pass a glance to him and some even say hi. He used to be picked on in middle school, but once he started feeling the way he did, most left him alone. It’s not that they felt bad, but there’s an unspoken rule at the school you don’t mess with kids who look like they’ve came out of a dark cave. 

Tyler grabs a single pen from his locker and walk into class and sit in the back. Usually on our last day, the teacher would play a movie. Today, we are watching “A Christmas Carol” 

Sometimes Tyler feels like Scrooge. But it’s not his fault he feels the way he does. He pulls out the notebook from his bag and clicks his pen. He goes to the first empty page and begins to write. 

“I don’t know what my purpose for this is. Maybe to write in a way for me to understand what i’m going through. Or maybe for the person reading this in the future. If someone even reads this, I’m sorry. It’s possible that I have no idea what i’m doing, but it’s plausible that I’ll figure it out.” 

He finishes it off with his signature, and dates it. First period ends and second begins. The class carries on with the same movie, and Tyler begins to drift slowly to a earth sleep. He calls it “earth sleep” when he’s asleep but awake. The bell rings and 9:55 and he wakes up, and heads out to his moms car. No one says goodbye to him on his way out. Just the way he prefers. 

He opens the car door and shivers from the cold. He puts on his seatbelt and pulls out his phone. He has social media, but rarely posts. His first post was of a note he saw in a barroom stall. 

“If you’re a local band, kill your self” 

His mom hangs up her phone and puts the car in reverse. “How was school, sweetie?” 

“Well. It was okay. I slept some.” 

“Tyler!” 

“We were only watching movies, anyway.” 

Kelly lets out a laugh and turns up the heat. “I have to the run to the store, would you like to go?” 

Tyler let’s out a smile and realizes this may be the last chance he has to embrace a day, before the days embrace him. “Only if we can get taco bell after.” 

Kelly lets out a laugh and agrees to get him whatever he wants at taco bell. Big mistake. Once the shopping is done, and the food is brought to the house, they eat lunch and Tyler goes up stairs to lay down for a while. Kelly has to go back out to work, so it’s just him. 

Tyler looks out his window and sees a moving truck outside of the house across the street. No one has really moved into a house in the neighborhood for years. People leave, but never come back. Tyler was used to that. He watches the people move sofas and beds into the house. He makes out what the Dad looks like. Tyler notices the kid with bright red hair. 

“Definitely dyed” Tyler says out loud as they continue to move boxes into the house. They talk outside for a few minutes before the moving truck leaves. They boy with bright red hair looks up into Tyler’s window and smiles at him. The boy waves at Tyler and he quickly drops to the floor. 

A stalker. That’s what he is. A stalker. But that’s what his brain was telling him as he climbed into bed. Unsettling discomfort shines in the window as he makes his way to the kitchen for water. As he’s descending the stairs, a knock hits the door. Tyler’s heart flys out of his chest and bangs like a drum against the hollow walls of the stairwell. He looks through the peep hole and it’s the boy with the bright red hair. 

His shaking hands reach for the knob. His knees begin to rattle like empty skeleton bones and his skin is burning. He opens the door and the boy smiles at him. 

“H-hello?” Tyler manages to get the word out without vomiting all over the porch. He leans on the door for support as his knees continue to shake. 

“Hi there! I’m josh. Nice to meet you!” he hold out his hand, and tyler reaches to shake it. His own hand shaking enough for the both of them. Josh pays no mind to this. 

“I.. i’m t-tyler.” he moves his hand back to his pocket. 

“i saw you through the window. i thought i would say hi.” he smiles and puts his hands in his pockets. 

“oh i- i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to stare. it’s not everyday that s-someone moves in.” 

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad that there’s someone in the neighborhood around my age. i’m 16. and you?” 

“same.” Tyler’s knees settle down, but his heart his still racing. 

“oh cool. do you have a cell phone?” Josh reaches for his own and tyler nods. “May i have your number?” 

Again, tyler nods as he takes joshs phone and writes his number in. 

“You aren’t much of a talker are you?” Josh says as he slides his phone into his pocket. 

“I’m more t-terrified of speaking.” 

josh nods as he opens his mouth to speak. “I understand that, tyler.” josh hears his Dad calling for him. “I’ll message you later okay?” 

Tyler nods and the boys exchange their goodbyes. Tyler shuts the door and goes to the living room and wrapping himself up in a blanket. 

For the first time in a long time, Tyler felt something other than sadness.


	2. Gone Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thought of himself as a ghost, stuck between the real world, and what was ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter for panic attacks and mentions of bullying.

Tylers nervous stomach never settled that day. Panic was in this bloodstream till the evening time, then it became terror. His anxiety was always the most active at night, making him believe that no one really cared for him. no one was going to be there. His life was a mistake. He was the mistake. 

Often times, he thought of maybe jumping off the roof, and landing wrong so he would die. Or at least stay in the hospital for a while. Any life was better than the one he was living. 

He thought most times that he wasn’t really living his life. He was simply existing. 

As dinner began, the family sat at the table and had light conversation. 

“Mom, did you see the new neighbors today?” Jay asked reaching for more potatoes. 

“Yeah have you? The son is really hot.” Madison says before reaching for her glass of water. 

“No. I haven’t had the pleasure of talking to them. I’ll stop by in the morning and welcome them on my way to work.” Kelly glances at Tyler. “Did you see the neighbors Ty?” 

Tyler looks up from his barely eaten plate. “Yeah. The sons name,” he glances at Madison “is Josh. He stopped by earlier today.” 

Everyone looks at Tyler as if to say “you were social with someone outside of the house?”

“Well that’s nice dear. What did he say?” 

“He said Hi. He asked for my number since we were the same age. I don’t know, it was weird.”

Zack walks back to the kitchen after taking a call from his girlfriend. “Did I just hear Tyler say he has a friend?” 

Everyone chuckles softly to themselves but Tyler feels a sense of grief developing. They all know that Tyler isn’t the best at being social with people and it’s true. 

As a kid when Kelly would take him to the park, he always played by himself. He would swing by himself, do the monkey bars by himself. Everything was lonely. He eventually had one friend. His name was Brendon. But shortly after, he moved away. They never knew what became of each other. 

Dinner was finished and Jay helped Kelly with the dishes. Madison sat on the couch flipping through the channels. Zack was always on his phone talking to someone. Tyler sat down on the couch and reached for his phone. 

He looked down at the wave of notifications for apps to be updated. He always hated updating the apps on his phone. But a notification lit up that wasn’t from an app. A text message. 

“Hey! It’s Josh!!” 

Tyler’s heart flew out the window. His hands started shaking at the thought of even responding. He excuses himself to the bathroom. He slides down the wall, and locks the door behind him. His skin was burning, to the point where if you looked closely, you could see sparks dancing off of his hands. His mind wondered to what Josh really wanted. 

In middle school, everyone picked on Tyler. but it only started once he told the teacher that a student was calling someone a whore. The kid was popular, and got his friends to pick on him. Tyler believes that’s what caused the social phobia. He was thrown into bathroom stalls, had his head pushed into the knob of a urinal, he was beat with a metal chair by students and received plenty of messages telling him to kill him self. 

He often thought about death after that. What it’s like to stop living and move on. He thought of himself as a ghost, stuck between the real world, and what was ahead. 

His mind would often attack him for getting too deep into those thoughts. Visions of him dying danced around the room. He was spiraling. He could feel it in his bones. He hated the spiral effect. One twist after another and he would be crying alone in the bathtub. 

Notifications kept coming in. One after another after another. He turned off his phone and ran to his bedroom and put his phone in a drawer in his beside table. He grabbed his notebook off of his desk and turned on a light. His hands, an earthquake, began to write. 

“somebody catch my breath. i’m a goner.” 

He drifted slowly to sleep, as his heart came to a rest. He tossed and turned all night. Peace never came to him. It never will.


	3. Mind Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler just nods as he takes his bowl to the sink and sits back down at the table. Josh snaps a picture of his bag and continues texting.   
> Tyler shakes his head and rubs his forehead. His mind is screaming at him for ever letting josh into the house.

The morning sun shines through the curtains and casts a glow on Tyler’s face. He opens his eyes and looks out the window at the day facing him. He goes in a panic trying to remember where his phone is, but looks in the place he put it last night. 

He turns his phone on and a list of text messages appear

Mom: 

I’m off to work honey, love you. 

Are you awake yet ty? 

Josh: 

You there man? 

?

?

His mind buzzes with all the sounds of notifications going through his head. He replies to his mom letting her know he’s up. He looks at the messages Josh sent, and his heart wants to jump out of his chest and be free. Tyler shakes as he sets down his phone and curls back into bed. He grips his chest as he tries to bring himself back to earth. 

He sits back up, and heads downstairs to make breakfast. He’s wearing black sweatpants and a white shirt. He’s always wondered how people can just sleep without a shirt or pants on. He walks to the fridge and grabs milk and the cereal on top of the fridge. While he’s eating a bowl, there’s a knock on the door. 

The sound of the door echos in his ears as he walks nervously to the door. He looks through the peephole and sees Josh, the boy with the red hair. 

He unlocks the door and stands at the doorway. 

“Hi J-Josh.” 

“Hey. Sooo whatcha doin?” 

“J-just eating some c-cereal. I- I’m sorry i didn’t reply to your text.” 

“Oh don’t worry about it but why are you eating cereal at 2pm?” Josh puts his hands in his pockets 

“I-I just woke up a little while ago. Aren’t you cold?” Tyler looks at joshs outfit. Black skinny jeans and a t shirt

“A little”

Tyler moves out of the way and motions josh to enter the house. 

“this place is pretty nice” 

Tyler smiles as he goes back to the dining room and eats his cereal. Josh sits with him at the table. 

“There’s some snacks in the pantry if you want something.” Josh points to the door he thinks it is and Tyler nods. Josh grabs a tiny bag of doritos and sits beside tyler. 

“So why aren’t you at school?” Josh asks as he opens the bag and tyler looks at him as if to say “why aren’t you?”

“I’m on break already.” 

“oh that’s nice. I don’t start till January.” Tyler just nods as he takes his bowl to the sink and sits back down at the table. Josh snaps a picture of his bag and continues texting.   
Tyler shakes his head and rubs his forehead. His mind is screaming at him for ever letting josh into the house. 

“how could you let him in here? he’s just taking up space. YOUR SPACE. he’s invading your safety. you aren’t safe here. run. run away. he’s going to hate you. you aren’t worth anything to him. you’re so boring he already is on his phone. what the fuck tyler? say something” 

he sniffles and wipes his eye before josh can see his tear. “do you want to watch tv?” 

josh smiles and nods. they sit on the couch and tyler turns on a christmas movie. that’s all that’s on these days. 

“so how are things? moving in i mean” tyler asks as gets a blanket to share with josh. 

“oh it’s great. we are basically done. the rooms are set up and all that.” 

tyler nods and smiles at josh. josh lets out a chuckle. 

“What?” tyler asks 

“oh nothing. you’re just so quiet.” 

“i’m sorry.” 

“no don’t be, it’s cool.” 

“then why are you laughing?” 

“i’m not laughing.”

“you were.” 

“i’m laughing with you, not at you.” 

“there’s no difference.” 

josh gets quiet and his phone goes off. He replies and they continue to watch the movie. Tyler can’t seem to understand the plot, something about a girl getting stranded and marrying a prince. He looks at the channel number. Hallmark. Makes sense. 

“Uh Ty, where’s your bathroom?” 

“Up the stairs second door on your left.” Josh nods and goes upstairs. Tyler searches for his own phone and realizes it’s on his bed. He heads up the stairs and goes to his room to get it. 

He sees a message from his mom: 

“Are you okay??”

“Yes. I’m fine.” 

He sends the text and immediately gets one back. 

“What’re you going?” 

“Watching a movie with Josh” 

“Who’s josh again?” 

“The new neighbor.” 

He walks back to the stairs but bumps into josh. “S-sorry” 

“It’s cool dude. That your room?” He points to the door and Tyler nods. He nods back and we head downstairs. 

The two continue watching movies and having small conversation. Josh suddenly goes quiet and it doesn’t take Tyler long to notice. 

Tyler nudges joshs shoulder. “What’s wrong?” 

“nothing i’m good.” 

Tyler rolls his eyes. “You’ve been at my house for two hours. I think i know you a little by now.” 

Josh let’s out a laugh. “I’m good, i promise.” Josh nudges tyler back.

“So josh. tell me something no one else knows about you.” 

Joshs expression goes blank. His face saddens and he turns back to tyler.   
“Um. One thing that no one knows about me is.” he lets out a sigh and continues. “I’m gay.” 

Tyler let’s out a laugh. “That was it?” 

Josh frowns at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tyler stops laughing. “You were so serious. I thought you were about to tell me you killed someone.” 

“You don’t think me coming out to you is serious?” Josh starts walking toward the door. 

Tyler begins to shake all over as he struggles to get up and follow him. “Of course it is Josh.” 

Josh opens the door and looks at Tyler with a few tears on his cheek. Tyler’s heart sinks to the floor and i struggle to breathe. 

“I’ll believe it when i see it Tyler.” Josh walks out and Tyler runs to the door. 

“Josh!” 

Josh keeps walking to his house as Tyler continues to shout out his name. Tyler walks back to the house and slams his door shut, letting out a scream that shook the whole room and echoes off the wall. His entire body is in flaming agony as he makes his way up the stairs and into his bedroom. He could almost flood the room with this tears and drown himself in sorrow. 

Tyler lost the one person who made him feel something. His emptiness returns and this time it strikes like a crackle of thunder and sends him spiraling into a deep sleep.


	4. Shooting Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m such a horrible person.” he closes his eyes as rivers flow and stain his pillow. he wipes his eye and he sees josh running across the street going into his house. he hurt his friend.

Tyler wakes up when the sky is dark, and the stars call out his name. But really it was his mom waking him up. Running her hands through his hair, and saying his name loud enough to wake him, but not loud enough to scare him. 

“Ty. It’s time for dinner.” She shakes his shoulder as he opens his eyes. All he sees is a blurry image of his mom. He rubs his eyes and everything is crystal clear. 

“Can’t.” 

“You can’t what, honey?” 

“Eat.” he chokes on his words as he remembers the events that took place. All he can hear is the door slamming his screams for Josh. 

“Why honey? What’s got you so upset?” 

“Oh mom it was awful. I’m such a horrible person.” he closes his eyes as rivers flow and stain his pillow. he wipes his eye and he sees josh running across the street going into his house. he hurt his friend. 

“Sweetie you have got to calm down, i can barely understand you.” 

He takes a few deep breaths and sits up facing his mom. “Today..” he takes a few more breaths. “Josh came over. I didn’t know he was coming and” he wipes away a tear. “We got to talking and he.” his lip begins to quiver and his hands being to twitch. “He told me he was gay and i”

Tyler has a full on break down. He screams out of anger and frustration he gets up and starts pacing the room. “He was acting so serious and i said he sounded like he was going to tell me he killed someone because he was acting so serious. He thought i was making a joke and that i didn’t care” he sits back down on his bed and he leans on his moms shoulder. “I’m so awful” 

“Oh honey.” she wraps her arms around tyler. “i’m so sorry.” 

Tyler just shakes his head and puts his arms around himself. “I fucked up the one friendship i had” His mom gives him a glare. “sorry.” 

“I’m going to give you some space to calm down. okay sweetie? come down for dinner when you’re ready.” She kisses his forehead and walks out of the room. 

Tyler paces the room and grabs his notebook from the dresser. He flips to a random page and starts writing 

“i’m a goner. somebody catch my breath. i’m a goner. somebody catch my breath. I wanna be known, by you. I wanna be known, by you. Though i’m weak, and beaten down. i’ll slip away into the sound. The ghost of you, is close to me. I’m inside out, you’re underneath. don’t let me be gone.” 

He closes his notebook and he drops to the floor. His knees become jelly and he makes his way out of the room. Trying to stand up, but struggling to get there. He walks to the front door and Kelly shouts for tyler. He doesn’t listen. He shuts the door and wraps himself in his arms and he walks in the dark to joshs house. He knew in his heart he had to make things right with Josh. even if that meant his mind was going kill him later. 

He walks to the porch on knocks on the door. A strange man opens and smiles at tyler. “Well hello there. How can I help you?” 

Tyler speaks but so quietly, hearing him is impossible. “um. hi sir. Is josh here?” 

“You must be tyler! come on in!” 

Tyler walks into the house and takes a quick look. the walls are painted white and the house smells of cinnamon. 

“lovely house you have Mr. Dun” 

“oh please call me Bill! Mr. Dun is my father.” Bill walks up the stairs and knocks on a josh’s door. “Josh! Tyler’s here!” He comes back down and tells him where Josh’s room is. Tyler knocks on his door and josh greets him. His face is puffy and his smile is non existent.

“Hi Josh.” 

“Hi.” 

“I’m not good at this but, can we talk? please?” Josh looks like he wants to say no, wanting to tell Tyler to fly a kite. But he lets him in. 

Joshs room is far nicer than his. there’s a desk near the window, a shelf with a record player and three units filled with records. There’s posters all over his room of bands Tyler hasn’t heard of.   
Josh sits down on his bed and pats his hand beside him for Tyler to sit down. 

“Josh. I’m sorry. About everything.”

“Tyler.. I overreacted. You were perfectly fine.” 

“No josh. i messed up. Of course coming is out serious and a big deal. i made it into a joke. I’m so sorry.” It’s like tyler was reliving the whole thing. As if it wasn’t enough, the dams in his eyes broke and everything came out. If only Tyler could see what Josh was thinking. 

“Tyler. Are you okay?” All tyler is able to do is shake his head. Josh wraps his arm around him and tylers head falls into his lap. “What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t know why i get like this.”

“Like what?” 

“Every winter i get like this. I barely eat. i barely sleep. Everything in the world gets so gray. I get gray. I shut down completely. I cant do anything.” 

Joshs heart breaks for tyler. He doesn’t know what to say to him. He wraps him in a hug and doesn’t want to let go. His heart skips beats when tyler hugs him back. 

“Tyler. There is nothing wrong with you. I promise.” 

“Don’t make a promise for a situation where you don’t know what you’re going into.” 

“I think i’ll be okay.”

“promise me one more thing.” Tyler says as josh starts rubbing his back. 

“What’s that?” 

A single tear escapes his eye as he says   
“don’t let me be gone.”


	5. Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the days that Ty was most suicidal were the days that josh was the most comforting. But comforting can always turn to over bearing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for self harm
> 
> (yes this chapter is mainly dialogue)

It’s been a few weeks since Tyler and Josh had that fight. If you could even call it a fight. the boys have grown closer in their relationship as friends, best friends. and some might even go as far as to call them lovers. whatever they were, they loved it. They were basically inseparable. 

Josh had posted tons of pictures of them together on social media, and even got tyler to post some. Josh always put thought into a caption, while tyler did whatever he wanted. The two liked it this way.

It was in the peak of winter, that Tyler wasn’t acting right. This wasn’t unusual for Tyler. He was used to feeling this way. However, each year it seemed to get worse. The first time it happened, he didn’t sleep for awhile. The second time, he lost entire motivation to eat. The third, he completely cut school out until spring. Now, his mind has formed an army against him. This season, he has contemplated his own death more than ever. 

Suicidal thoughts that lead to his own self harm. Three lines around his wrist. He covers them with rubber bands to hide it. 

Today, Tyler is feeling deeper into those thoughts. His mind plays tricks and he imagines that the strings on his hoodie could make a noose. He cries at the thought of putting everyone through his death. he cries even more at the thought of josh being alone. He hated himself for ever thinking he could be loved. He hated how he was relying on one person to save him. He was almost using josh as a distraction from himself. 

He woke up with a pounding headache, and knew today was going to be rough. He tried everything he could to keep the darkness in and light out. He was good at that game, before he met josh. 

Josh was almost his saving grace. Almost, because Tyler didn’t know how much longer he could live like this. He hated the winter. he hated himself. he hated everything about living. What was he even living for?

He lays and back in bed for awhile before josh comes in. He almost doesn’t want josh to be here. He’s been spiraling all morning. 

“Hey tyler!” Josh jumps in bed with him and hugs tyler. 

“Hi.” 

“How are you this fine day.” 

“Down. What’s so fine about today anyway?”

“Silly. We’re alive that’s what’s fine about today.” 

“unfortunately” 

Josh cuddles tyler. Josh is the big spoon. He wraps tyler is his arms and tyler lays his head on joshs chest. On the days that Ty was most suicidal were the days that josh was the most comforting. But comforting can always turn to overbearing. 

“Tyler, are you okay?”

Ty wipes a tear from his eye. “Fine.” 

“You don’t seem fine.” 

“When am i ever?” 

“not funny.” 

“Josh. if i’m fine, i’m fine.”

“that’s bullshit and you know it tyler.” 

Tylers adrenaline kicks in. Fight or flight. Fight. 

“What the fuck is going on with you Josh?!” Tyler shouts so loud the echoes vibrate on the walls. 

“What the fuck is going on with me? What about you Tyler? You aren’t eating, you barely sleep. You barely even talk to me anymore.” 

“Well i’m sorry that i don’t want to bother anyone. I’m tired of always having to rely on someone.” 

“You know what tyler... if you want to rely on yourself. Fine. But don’t even think about coming to me the next time this bullshit happens.”   
Josh walks out of the room and Tyler punches his wall. His hand bruises, but no swelling. Josh reaches for the front door knob when his heart stops him. Josh goes back up to Tylers room and sees him in the corner of the room with his head in his hands. 

Tyler is screaming his lungs out and there’s a dent in the wall. 

“Tyler. Tyler. Calm down, i’m right here.” 

“HOW DARE YOU? YOU MADE A PROMISE TO ME THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. YOU MADE ME BELIEVE THAT I WAS LOVELY JOSH. FUCK. YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDNT LET ME BE GONE AND NOW IM GONE.” 

“Tyler i’m right here. You’re here. You aren’t gone.” 

“JOSH CANT YOU SEE IM DYING”

“Please don’t throw that at me. I cant take it.” 

“DO YOU THINK I CAN TAKE IT? EVERYDAY?”

“Tyler i never said that.” 

“JOSH IM NOT OKAY”   
Tyler can almost feel his breath leaving his body. his heart beat is beating too fast to keep up with him. 

“do you need a helpful tweet?” 

Tyler stops and looks at him.   
“Excuse me?” 

“I follow accounts that tweet out helpful things for people struggling.” 

“And you think a tweet from a random stranger is going to cure all of this?” 

“it’s a start.” 

“no.” 

“Tyler i’m trying to help you. but if you won’t try. don’t even bother coming to me anymore. i’m done. try your best to deal with this on your own.” 

“What?” 

“I cant do this anymore tyler. you’re starting to become mentally abusive. i cant take this. it’s too toxic.” 

“Josh!” 

“You just expect me to what you say? Seriously? I’m one person.” 

Tyler begins to cry. Tears stream down his face. But what else is new. 

“I never said that.”

“Words hurts tyler. even if you are hurting more than the words that you said, they still hurt. I wish you were able to be there for yourself when you are acting like this. I don’t want to feel bad for how YOU are.” 

Tyler’s heart breaks with each passing sentence. It’s like he was being stabbed with a knife. he died with every breath. 

“Josh im.. im sorry.”

“You should be tyler. i cant keep taking your abuse.”

“josh. you know i can’t control this.”

“i’m not saying you can. i just wish you weren’t so mean about it.” 

“i’m sorry josh.” 

“i don’t think we should be friends anymore.” 

“Josh...” 

“no tyler. this isn’t good for any of us. i’m sorry” 

“please don’t leave me josh.” 

“i’m sorry”

“you promised you wouldn’t leave me.” 

“sometime promises are worth breaking to heal” 

“josh.” tyler screams for josh as he leaves. He walks out of the front door and never looks back. Josh cried the whole way back to his house and left tyler there. Tyler screams for him. His voice breaks and his vocal chords produce a sound that is agony by definition. 

Tyler’s heart cracked that day. A shattered mirror that will never be the same again. He knew everything was his fault. His life was meaningless now that josh wasn’t here. He punched the wall so many times that a hole the size of a softball was there. He never felt so angry in his life. 

His blood was replaced with adrenaline. He felt true love slip away from him as the day went by and not a single call from Josh. He did receive a text from his mom, saying that they were eating dinner out and wouldn’t be home for awhile. 

Tyler walked to the bathroom and looked at the person in the mirror starring back at him. He didn’t know the person in that reflection. He didn’t know what anyone would think of that person. 

Josh left a bruise on his brain. Tyler knew that he was at fault for how josh was feeling. He knew in his heart that everything was his fault. 

Tyler didn’t want to live a life without Josh in it. 

 

Tyler was truly gone.


	6. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One final show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for suicide

it’s a few minutes past nine. “just do it tyler.”   
a harsh menacing voice screams from inside him. his vision begins to blur and his hands tremble. there’s a pounding in his head that he can’t seem to shake. 

His heart rate increases as he sits in bed. Each time he breathes in, his lungs hurt more. his body is punishing him for being alive. 

The opening of his bedroom door startled him. He rushes to see who is there, but no one is visiting him. He sees a faint shadow. It’s a person that he doesn’t recognize. He follows the shadow. Down the stairs they go. His knees are rattling like a babies rattle. The moon flares through the window causing him to burn. 

He passes the kitchen and out the back door. The sky begins to roar and turn a darker shade of pitch black. Eyes surround Tyler. Red, blue, green, brown. Each eye is starring at him, burning a cross in his soul. Leading me, they whisper 

“this is your time. do what you’ve been thinking the entire season” 

Lightening flashes and he finally see the shadow leading him outside. It’s him

Tyler follows himself down to the shed. Passing trees that were familiar in a different light. 

“Do it Tyler.” 

“You know where it is” 

He reaches for the shed door and opens it. He searches for the piece of metal inside. A silver lining to the black of night. A trigger was his freedom. 

“Do the world a favor Tyler.” 

The voices begin to chant at him. Louder and louder with each beginning scream. 

“DO IT” 

“FUCKING DO IT”

The others grab his hand and point them to his head. A single tear escapes his now damp eye. 

There’s dust on the metal that falls of like dead flower petals. His finger on the trigger. ready to be free. 

1   
2   
3 

He takes a look at his house, knowing he can’t turn back.   
Shadows of his memory dance around him for one final performance. 

the metal burns against his skin. m  
the empty hollow shell of   
a once happy boy.   
going to hell. 

the thumping of his heart once more for good thrill. 

He says his final goodbyes to this house, taking in one final glance. 

Lightening flashes again and he sees the boy with bright red hair. Standing in the dark. 

Tyler closed his eyes for one final time. Leaning on the edge of what is next. 

The boy begins to run to Tyler. Someone he once knew. 

He didn’t know what was next until he opened his mouth to speak to the boy. 

“You let me be gone.”


End file.
